Crown of the Dead [D&D v.3.5] – The afterlife of Noomfoodle Gobbliegook Pann

Noomfoodle Gobbliegook Pann blinks, and he’s not dead any more.

Well, he is, but he isn’t. The former Rogue-Ranger is uninjured, awake, apparently alive, and standing at the end of a line of bored-looking Gnomes, none of whom Pann recognizes. Noomfoodle notices that he is dressed in a fine double-breasted suit, impeccably pressed and threaded with gold spun fine as silk, cut to compliment his generously-apportioned physique. The outfit fits him like it knows him; the pocket square appears to be a fine platinum mesh, and his shoes are +5 Corinthian Leather.

The line of equally well-dressed Gnomes doubles back twice through a channel of lush velvet ropes. An elegantly bedecked Gnome at the front waits her turn to approach the gold-flecked marble front counter.

To the left and right, round gold columns separate this lobby area from a dozen rich mahogany desks, where industrious Gnome businessmen and capable Gnome businesswomen attend to paperwork with eager clients. High above, the columns support a curved precious-metal ceiling studded with gems. The walls are gleaming silver, judiciously broken up with priceless silkscreen images of Garl Glittergold, the patron deity of Gnomes, commerce, entertainment, law, and medicine.

The queue edges forward, and when Pann glances behind, he sees more Gnomes have appeared in the time since he last looked. The wait is tiresome but not intolerable. Pleasant lute music drifts down from somewhere inexact. Noomfoodle’s turn at the front counter sends him to a desk in the middle of the right-hand side, where a pleasant and polite Gnome greets the spirit of recently-deceased Noomfoodle Gobbliegook Pann, and offers him a seat.

Pann sits, and accepts a cup of Gnomesh Mint Tea and a biscuit. His life-accountant, Herschel, immediately sets to business. Folders and fine parchments are laid out on the desk for Pann to examine while Herschel directs his attention with the golden tip of his ink-pen. The documents are all about Noomfoodle.

The former Rogue-Rangers’ life-accounts are in excellent shape; all balances positive and found agreeable to Garl Glittergold. In life Noomfoodle never failed to capitalize on a business opportunity, never turned down a chance to turn a profit, always improved his share value (notably when looting Carson Readey’s slain zombies that time), and kept his ‘Gnome Gold’ necklace safe and secure at all times, even to the moment of death. In short, his existence as a Gnome on the Material Plane was a solid investment.

Therefore, Pann’s afterlife retirement options are well-financed for all of eternity, and Noomfoodle has his choice of any Planar destination he wants. Herschel reviews some memos and travel advisories, and suggests that some destinations are not at optimal conditions. Notably that four of the Nine Hells of Baator are closed for extended maintenance; the Gnomesh Fine-Dining & Entertainment Association has downgraded food buffets in the Grey Wastes of Hades to Two Stars from Three Stars; and the Elemental Plane of Fire is a dry heat and not the humid sauna-like heat usually favored by retirees.

There are brochures for the others; Noomfoodle sifts through these, discarding most, keeping others, until he winnows his choices down to just one – the Blessed Fields of Elysium. It’s available and Pann was pre-approved, so the former Rogue-Ranger is set. Herschel leads an eager Pann from the desk to a row of doors at the far back of the busy room, and opens the correct portal for his client.

Noomfoodle Gobbliegook Pann straightens his tie, adjusts his cuffs, and strolls into his eternity of paradise, a million-gold grin on his face, not a care in his pocket.




About d20horizons

D&D player.
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